One puppy, four sets of rules: the household consistency problem
Your puppy isn't confused about the rules. They have worked out that the rules depend on who is in the room, which is a harder problem, because the puppy is learning exactly what the household is teaching. If one person feeds from the table and nobody else does, what the puppy has learned is beg at Dad. That rule is thoroughly reinforced, and it's working. Dogs discriminate by person better than almost any species we live with, and household consistency in puppy training is the input most owners underestimate. Luke Buchanan, Owner of The Toe Beans Co and Sydney's Puppy Trainer, sees it in more Sydney homes than any single behaviour problem.
Why your puppy behaves differently for different people
A puppy behaves differently for different people because dogs learn by person, not by household rule, so every adult is running a separate training programme whether they meant to or not.
The mechanism matters. A rule that holds every single time stops being tested inside about three clean repetitions. A rule that breaks occasionally gets tested harder and for far longer. That is intermittent reinforcement, a reward arriving unpredictably, and it produces the most durable behaviour of any pattern there is. A puppy who gets chicken once in twenty attempts will out-persist one who gets it every time.
I worked with a Labrador in Marrickville who begged at exactly one chair and ignored the other five. The family called them food obsessed. The puppy was operating with precision, at the one seat where begging had ever paid. And inconsistency is a training input rather than a character flaw, which is why the first conversation about a new puppy meeting the family should be about the adults.
The four rules that must be identical for everyone, and the ones that can differ
Four rules have to be identical across every adult: food, greetings, who starts contact, and the words you use. Almost everything else can vary without costing the puppy anything.
- Food. Nothing comes from a plate, a hand at the table, or a bench. Not once, not as a treat, not because somebody is nearly finished. The bowl goes down after a person has eaten, and comes up the second the puppy walks away.
- Greetings. Everyone coming through the front door ignores the puppy until they have settled. No touch, no eye contact, no talking, then you call them over. One person making a fuss on arrival undoes a week of work and reinstalls jumping up at the door.
- Who starts contact. The person calls the puppy over. A nudge, a paw or a bark for attention gets a calm, silent move away, from every adult. Couch by invitation only.
- The words. One word per behaviour, agreed in advance, said once. If one person says "down" for lie down and another for get off the couch, the word means nothing and the puppy is right to ignore it.
Those four sit inside the Relational Leadership approach we use, where the household holds the decision-making so the puppy doesn't have to.
| Must be identical for every adult | Can safely differ |
|---|---|
| Nothing from a plate, a hand or a bench | Walk length and route |
| Ignore the puppy on arrival until settled | Tug, fetch or scatter work |
| The person starts contact, not the puppy | How warm a person is once the puppy is called |
| One agreed word per behaviour, said once | Whether food is used as a lure in command work |
The household agreement, written down and stuck on the fridge
A household agreement is a short written list, kept where everyone walks past it, naming the rules that must match and the exact words the household uses. Written beats verbal because a verbal agreement drifts quietly and nobody notices until the puppy is back on the table.
Here is one a Zetland family with a twelve week old puppy and two school-age children actually ran with:
- Nobody feeds Otis from the table or bench. Tell visitors before they sit down.
- Bowl goes down after an adult eats something. Sit, wait, "OK". It comes up the second he walks away.
- Coming home: no talking, no touching, no looking. Wait until he is settled, wait five more minutes, then call him.
- Our words: sit, drop, wait, "to my feet" for recall, "OK" for release. Say it once.
- Teeth on skin means you stand up and leave the room without a word. Back after thirty seconds of quiet.
- Grandma's rules are our rules. Show her this list.
A house guest could follow that with no background, which is the test. If a line needs explaining, rewrite the line rather than explaining it.
Where it usually breaks
Agreements rarely break because somebody disagrees. They break in four predictable places.
The soft touch. One adult finds the rules hard to hold, usually because they read calm boundaries as coldness. Give them the rules they can hold and take the harder ones off them. Three rules reliably held beat seven half held.
The visiting grandparent. A visitor who makes a fuss on arrival hasn't been told. Hand them the list at the door and ask for the arrival rule specifically. People follow a rule asked for directly and guess badly at one that is only implied.
The housemate. Share houses are hardest, because nobody's got standing to enforce anything. Narrow it to the food rule and the arrival rule.
The partner who was not at the session. The most common one I see. They didn't watch the puppy change in the room, so they're taking somebody's word for a method they've never seen work. Our puppy school is owner-led for this reason and the whole household is welcome, so get them to the next one.
Kids by age: what you can realistically ask for
A child's job scales with age: a three year old can be asked not to touch the puppy, a seven year old can hold a boundary, and a twelve year old can run a short session alone.
At three, a child isn't a handler and shouldn't be asked to be one. Their one job is leaving the puppy alone when they are in their pen, asleep or eating. Pens are badly underused in homes with small children, and they do more here than any instruction you'll give a toddler.
At seven, a child can genuinely help. They can drop the bowl once an adult has run the sit and wait, and be taught to stand straight, fold their arms and say nothing when the puppy jumps. What they can't do is manage a puppy who's over threshold, aroused past the point where calm behaviour is available to them. If mouthing is the live issue, see puppy biting and children.
At twelve, a child can run a short session on one command and hold a boundary in front of their friends, which is the hard part at that age. I'd still keep an adult on anything escalating.
How to run a five-minute household reset
A household reset is a five minute conversation, with the puppy out of the room, where each person names the one rule they have let slide and the household picks one to repair. Run it whenever the puppy starts testing something that had stopped.
- Everybody in the kitchen, puppy in their pen so nobody is half watching them.
- Each person names one rule they have let slide. Nobody defends anybody and nobody's corrected. It only works blameless.
- Pick the rule that has drifted furthest. A household that tries to fix five at once repairs none of them.
- Rewrite that line on the fridge list with a number in it. "Don't overfeed him" is not a rule. "Bowl comes up the second he walks away" is.
- Put a date in the diary, seven days out, to do it again.
Expect the puppy to test the repaired rule hard for a day or two. That is the extinction burst, the spike in a behaviour just before it drops away, and it means it's working. Most households see the testing stop inside about three consistent repetitions, and a month-old begging habit goes in a week once every adult holds it.
Want help putting this into practice?
The Toe Beans Co runs a free SKOOL community where Sydney dog owners get access to training guides, Q&As, and direct support from Luke. It's free to join.
Upcoming puppy schools in Sydney
Luke runs regular puppy schools across Sydney, with venues in Paddington, Edgecliff, Zetland, Alexandria, Marrickville and Neutral Bay. Anyone in Sydney can attend any location, and start dates vary by venue, so check the dates for the one you want.
Check upcoming dates and book your spot →
Frequently asked questions
My partner undoes everything I do, what do I do?
Get agreement on one rule instead of the whole method. Pick the food rule, the most visible and quickest to show a result, and ask for that one for a fortnight. When the begging stops, you have evidence rather than an argument.
Should children be giving commands at all?
Yes, from about seven, provided an adult has already taught the behaviour and the child uses the agreed word once. A child giving a command the puppy hasn't learned teaches them that the child's voice can be ignored.
What about visitors and dog-sitters?
Visitors need one rule, the arrival rule, given at the door rather than assumed. Dog-sitters need the written list sent before they arrive. A sitter working three days without it can undo a fortnight of household consistency in puppy training without knowing.
